3 Toddler Behaviors You Must Stop...Fast
All toddlers do ābadā thingsā¦sometimes. But thereās an important differentiation between behaviors that simply annoy us (these are what I call yellow-light behaviors, and they include acts like dawdling and whining) and what I call red-light behaviors.Ā
3 āBadā Toddler Behaviors to Stop ASAP
There are three types of bad behaviors that go beyond the āannoyingā category and need to be stopped in their tracks:Ā
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Dangerous acts: Running into the street, grabbing hot coffee, playing with knivesāany behavior that puts your child (or someone else) in harmās way.Ā
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Aggression: Hitting, spitting, kicking, biting, and other mean acts.
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Breaking key family rules: These are rules you get to choose. Some of them might fit just about all families (like no drawing on the walls), but others vary from home to home, for example: no eating in the living room, no touching the computer, no calling your brother an idiot.Ā
Stopping bad behaviors doesnāt mean rolling up your sleeves and fighting your child mano a mano. Like the worldās top ambassadors, you can stop most conflicts by establishing clear consequences in a respectful manner. The first step is to understand where your tot is coming from.Ā
Why Good Toddlers Behave Badly Sometimes
Itās hard to be good all the time...even for adults! No wonder our little tykes have days when their impulsive, primitive nature takes control and makes them do things they shouldnāt. Here are some of the reasons why good kids do bad things:Ā
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Toddlers canāt explore without testing the rules. Your tot is an ace explorerāpersistent and gutsy. His job is to touch, bang, and pull everything. Thatās annoying to you because it makes him constantly push the limits. However, from his point of view, youāre the irritating one because youāre trying to stop his greatest joyādiscovery.
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Toddlers are impulsive. You canāt expect an 18-month-old, or even a 3-year-old, to use good judgment (like not eating medicine or holding hands in a parking lot). Toddlers live in the ānow,ā and their immature brains donāt focus much on the consequences.Ā
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Our threats paint kids into a corner. Trying to force defiant tykes to obey often backfires. Our pressure makes them feel painted into a corner, unable to give in without feeling humiliated. Thatās why threats often trigger more defiance (and hurt the relationship we work so hard to build), especially in toddlers who are temperamentally challenging and stubborn to begin with.
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Our limits are inconsistent and confusing. Mushy limits invite kids to push against them. (Your child thinks, Sometimes this is allowed and sometimes not. Letās see if I can do it now.) They get especially confused when our limits make no sense...to them: What? I love jumping on the sofa more than anything in the worldāand you want to stop me? Donāt you love me anymore?
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Our rules are unrealistic. Many toddlers act out if our expectations are too high. Would you demand good table manners from a 6-month-old? Of course not! Well, similarly, itās unrealistic to expect an 18-month-old to share, a 2-year-old to never lie, or a 3-year-old to sit still in church.
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Toddlers are overexposed to aggression. Little kids love to imitate, and that includes bad stuff like shouting and hitting. Make it your job to protect your child from seeing violence on TV, in your community, and between the members of your family.
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Toddlers have too many stresses. Stress can turn a kind kid into a cave-kid. When your child is acting up, ask yourself: Is my child hungry? Bored? Tired? Overloaded with new rules? Sick? Teething? Surrounded by temptations? Cooped up? Wild from something in his diet (soda/sugar/decongestants)? Jealous? Are there extra stresses at home (new baby, new sitter)?
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Youāre giving too little play and attention. Busy parents accidentally teach their little ones to be defiant or disrespectful by ignoring them when they are good. Thomas Gordon in his book Parent Effectiveness Training calls this the Law of the Soggy Potato Chip (just as kids would rather have soggy potato chips than none at all, toddlers would rather be yelled at than ignored).Ā
How to Stop āBadā Toddler Behavior
All three of the red-light behaviors demand swift actions, often with aĀ ātake-chargeā consequence: time-out or giving a fine.
If youāve set clear limits, but your primitive little buddy is still plowing right through them, you must either fix the problem thatās making your child so ornery or back up your words with a clear negative consequence: punishment.Ā
Punishment is merely a negative response that tells a child when she has crossed a boundary. In truth, itās your responsibility to take control of her behavior when she is unable (too upset or too mischievous) to respect your rules. Remember, this is not something you are doing to your child; she is the one whoās bringing the consequences upon herself.Ā
When we respectfully reward good acts and quickly put a stop to bad behavior, our children learn the rulesā¦fast!
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