How Yelling Hurts Kids
The everyday battles (picky eating, getting dressed, getting out the door on timeâŚ) can make parents feel like failures. On top of that, a child's defiance or misbehaviour can stir up bad memories from the past, causing parents to overreact. And, when these stand-offs happen, parents who are already feeling overwhelmed can snap. While itâs understandable that the pressures of parenthood push mums and dads to a breaking point, yelling can take a toll on a child. It turns out that old sticks-and-stones saying isnât quite accurate. Wordsâespecially when screamed or shoutedâcan wound. Â
Yelling triggers our bodyâs stress response, which when pinged over and over again can have serious long-term consequences. Research suggests that verbal abuse can actually change the structure of our brains. Persistent yelling and the stress it causes has been linked to increased risk of anxiety, depression and other mood disorders, as well as to chronic pain and other long-term health issues. It also doesnât curb misbehaviourâŚit tends to make kids more likely to act out!Â
Children are affected by yelling and screaming from the earliest months of life. By 3 months, babies are learning to âdialogueâ with their parents. And this delicate dance can be affected by flat or excessive emotions. Think of it as stepping on your dance partnerâs toes. After the tenth time it happens you start to pull away, no longer having a dance partner you can trust.Â
By the time kids become toddlersâentering that period at 9 to 12 months when they begin to toddleâthey are experts at reading your non-verbal communication. Their left-brain capabilitiesâlike language, analysis, delayed gratificationâare years away from reliable mastery, but their right-brain abilitiesâlike reading gestures, tone of voice, and facial expressions to pick up on how their parents are feelingâare becoming pitch perfect. Effortlessly being able to read their parentâs emotions (happy, sad, scared), even if they canât understand all the words that come out of Mum or Dadâs mouth.
When a parent yells, children pick up on that anger, frustration, or negativity loud and clear. Young children are egocentric. They have a very hard time seeing the world from anyone elseâs point of view and they interpret everything that happens around them as being related to their deeds. Yelling parents can influence how kids begin to see themselves. Even if theyâre not the target of the outburst, children may interpret their parentsâ yelling to mean that theyâre bad or unloveableâŚor that they just canât do anything right. It also lays the groundwork for a pretty rocky relationship.Â
Plus, when parents yellâŚkids learn to yell, too. Weâve all heard of toddlers learning to use swear words because of overhearing them in adult conversation. Thatâs because children do as they seeâŚnot as they are told.
Toddlersâ brains are like sponges, soaking up everything they see or hear. A parentâs demonstrations of love and joy are reflected back through the mirror of their childâs actions as are demonstrations of disrespect and aggression. Yelling shows kids that screaming is an acceptable response to those strong feelings. When a parent yells or berates someone when they are angry, donât be surprised if they do the same when theyâre under pressure.
Related:
- Why Modern Parenting Feels Like Such a Struggle
- How to Keep Your Cool When Your Toddler Pushes Your Buttons
- Mental Health Resources for Parents
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