TODDLER
Boosting Cooperation With Win-Win Compromises
Learn how to positively affect your toddlers behavior with this simple technique.
Written by
Dr. Harvey Karp
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TODDLER
Written by
Dr. Harvey Karp
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Bestsellers
One of our ultimate goals as a parent is not to win any one particular fight, but rather to win your child’s love and respect for a lifetime. That’s why it’s best to 1st - acknowledge your tot’s desire and 2nd –try to find a way you both can win…even when you disagree with him! All around the world, people hash out agreements by hard bargaining… and toddlers love to negotiate. They quickly learn bargaining tactics, like begging (Please? P-l-e-a-s-e!!!), exaggeration (You never let me!), pouty protests (You’re not fair!) and noticing inconsistency (But you let her do it!). Your tot will probably use these tools of persuasion on you - every single day – as he tries to get you to compromise! Most of us consider a 50-50 compromise to be pretty fair: half for you, half for me. But that’s not how toddlers see things. Their idea of a fair compromise is around 90-10 (you get a tiny bit of what you want and he gets the 90 percent!). That’s because toddlers focus so much on what they don’t get, their primitive little minds have trouble sharing…and seem pretty demanding. The best parents are good at figuring out Win – Win compromises – where your tot feels good about getting a lot of what he wants…and you also get some of what you want. This simple approach can be boiled down to these 3 steps:
Here’s an example. Imagine you want your son, Sam, to eat 10 peas and he refuses, demanding his favourite crackers instead:
If Sammy totally refuses to eat any peas, sincerely acknowledge what he wants, but then let him leave the table. He won because he didn’t eat the peas and you won because he left…without the crackers. Pause on negotiations so you can save face, and helps him see that stubbornness won’t get him what he wants. As he leaves (or when he cries in protest) say, “You say no peas! Not even one! That makes Mommy sad but okay, you win. So no crackers for now and you go play. I’ll check on you in a little bit. Bye-bye.” Speed your child’s learning by giving extra opportunities to compromise. For example, offer peas a few days in a row, even during lunch. Most kids soon accept a 90-10 deal and you will be delighted to se that the struggles get easier and easier as your tot starts to like making ‘win-win’ deals with you. This may seem like a big effort, but all your extra work now will soon lead to you having a happier, more patient – and fairer – child. For more information on win-win compromises and other toddler tips, see The Happiest Toddler On The Block.
Disclaimer: The information on our site is NOT medical advice for any specific person or condition. It is only meant as general information. If you have any medical questions and concerns about your child or yourself, please contact your health provider. Breastmilk is the best source of nutrition for babies. It is important that, in preparation for and during breastfeeding, mothers eat a healthy, balanced diet. Combined breast- and bottle-feeding in the first weeks of life may reduce the supply of a mother's breastmilk and reversing the decision not to breastfeed is difficult. If you do decide to use infant formula, you should follow instructions carefully.
