TODDLER
Cure Toddler Tantrums by Speaking Your Kid's Caveman Language
Diffuse those difficult kicking-screaming-biting-throwing fits with these fun techniques.
Written by
Dr. Harvey Karp
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TODDLER
Written by
Dr. Harvey Karp
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Whether or not you’ve officially entered “the terrible twos,” your toddler may well have already thrown a tantrum…or three.
These kicking-screaming-biting-throwing fits peak at 18-24 months then subside a little after the second birthday only to come back in full force around 3½ years.
Tantrums are completely normal in toddlers…not a sign of behavioral issues. They are just how your child’s immature brain processes emotions. However, that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do about them. You can avoid, say, 8 out of 10 tantrums once you start to view your toddler as a little cave person…and speak in the primitive language she understands…“Toddler-ese!”
Our Stone Age ancestors were opinionated, tenacious, and not very verbal. They bit each other when angry, made a mess when eating and hated waiting their turn. They were stubborn, distractible, and impatient…sound like someone you know?
Watching your toddler “evolve” is like watching 5 million years of human achievement…in fast-forward! You’ll observe your child walking, then talking, then problem-solving in the span of just a few years.
Many parents try to console their flailing, angry tot with logic and reason…but often that only makes things worse. That’s because even calm children often struggle to understand our long-winded explanations…and when they’re angry or frustrated, they may not be open to hearing even simple soothing comments. But, here’s the good news, it’s often pretty easy to help defuse your toddler’s tantrum with a much more basic way of speaking.
When your child is very upset, I recommend you first acknowledge her feelings for at least 30 seconds using this simple, primitive, caveman-like lingo: 1) speak in 1-3 word sentences, 2) use about one third of their emotional energy in your tone of voice (try not to be reserved, be extra-expressive with gestures of your face and arms) and repeat what you are saying over and over a few times. This approach is the best way to settle your little Neanderthal and help her be more open to hearing your thoughts and suggestions.
Yes, it will probably feel a little over-the-top the first bunch of times you try it, especially if anyone else is listening. But, honestly, it is not too different from how you might respond to a friend who is as very, very upset (as upset as a toddler!).
And, once you see how well it works it will start to feel more and more natural.
It’s raining outside and your backyard is a muddy mess. Your 18-month old is standing in his pajamas pulling at the door screaming, “Mommmy! Mommy! Outside! I want outside!”
You might be tempted to directly answer with a logical response like, “No, honey. It’s raining.”
But, it is unlikely that would really get the tantrum to subside.
Now that you know Toddler-ese, you might gesture dramatically – pointing to the door – and say, “You want out, now! Out! Out! Out! You’re bored, bored, bored!”
Repeat it a few times with the about 1/3 of her emotional vigor (enough so she feels heard, but not so much she feels mimicked or made fun of) and your child will likely start to recover in under a minute.
Here’s the thing: how you say your words mean much more to your child than what you say. When you convey emotion, your child perceives empathy. He’ll think, Ok. My mom really gets me.
I call this connecting with respect. When you speak Toddler-ese you are meeting a child on his or her emotional turf, and acknowledging feelings, which is a basic human need.
Once your child is no longer banging the door down, you might reward their giving up of the outburst by offering an appealing alternative, like “Come with me! Come on! Let’s play with your cars!!”
He’ll be likely to go along with your distraction and soon forget about his mini-meltdown. And, you will feel like you handled the situation with love and good parental limits.
Disclaimer: The information on our site is NOT medical advice for any specific person or condition. It is only meant as general information. If you have any medical questions and concerns about your child or yourself, please contact your health provider. Breastmilk is the best source of nutrition for babies. It is important that, in preparation for and during breastfeeding, mothers eat a healthy, balanced diet. Combined breast- and bottle-feeding in the first weeks of life may reduce the supply of a mother's breastmilk and reversing the decision not to breastfeed is difficult. If you do decide to use infant formula, you should follow instructions carefully.
